The Emotionally Absent Mother
Coming September 2010
Check with any bookseller or my wonderful publisher.
Paperback,256 pps.
ISBN:978-1-615190028-7
$14.95
A Guide for Under-mothered Adults
If your mother was too tired, too busy, or too checked out to provide all the nurturing you needed for a strong foundation, this book is for you. It will help you identify what was missing, how this relates to your mother’s own history and make-up, and what you can do now to fill the holes that were left by the mother who wasn’t fully there.
Healing is different for everyone but may involve:
- identifying and grieving what you missed
- coming into a caring relationship with the child inside of you and learning to mother yourself
- accepting nurturing from other adults who fill in for the missing mother
- meeting some of your earlier unmet needs with partners
- in-depth work with a psychotherapist around earlier attachment injuries
- opening to the archetype of the Good Mother, possibly taking a spiritual form
- proactively going after the support, mirroring, guidance and other mothering functions that were not sufficiently provided
Although not a workbook, there are questions and exercises throughout to help you reflect on your own experience.
Table of Contents
Introduction
1. Mothering
Mommy
Is What We Are Made Of
Who Can Mother?
The Good-Enough Mother
Good Mother Messages
What Happens When Good Mother Messages Are Absent?
What Does It Mean To Be Under-Mothered?
2. The Many Faces of the Good Mother
Mother
as Source
Mother as Place of Attachment
Mother as First Responder
Mother as Modulator
Mother as Nurturer
Mother as Mirror
Mother as Cheerleader
Mother as Mentor
Mother as Protector
Mother as Home Base
3. Attachment: Our First Foundation
How
do we become attached, and what is secure attachment?
Why is attachment so important?
How can I know if I was securely attached to my mother?
What if I wasn’t securely attached? How would that look?
What is attachment-related trauma?
Maybe I wasn’t securely attached to my mother, but is it
really fair to hold her responsible?
Can I still develop secure attachments if I’ve only partially
done so in the past? How would this help me?
What is my attachment style?
Can I have more than one style?
Does my relationship with my mother really affect later relationships?
How difficult is it to change attachment patterns?
4. More Building Blocks
Feeling
Safe and Secure
A Happy Home
When Things Go Wrong They Can Be Fixed!
A Sense of Belonging
The Budding Self
A Place to Grow
Support for Being a Child
Touch
Love is the Medium, Love is the Message
5. Mommy, Where Were You?
The
Hole Where Mother Was Supposed To Be
The Need for Mother’s Physical Presence
What Happens When Mother Is Not Emotionally Present?
Mutual Standoff
30 Reasons Mother Wasn’t There
What Mother's Unavailability Means to a Child
When Mother is the Only One There
Three Mothers, Three Messages (an exercise)
Original Loss
6. Voices of the Under-Mothered
Who
Was That Masked Woman?
Slim Pickin’s From Mom
Missed Connections
The Mechanical Mom
Disengaged Parents
No Place To Go For Help
Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child
No Mother, No Self
No Anchor
Common Challenges of the Under-Mothered
What Helps
7. Healing Mother Wounds
The Cover-Up
Discovering The Wound
Reframing ‘Defects’ as Deficits
Grief Work / Working Through
A Place For Your Feelings
Anger
Leaving The Past
8. Psychotherapy: Mother Issues and Mothering Needs
Parallelswith the Good Mother
Special Considerations in Attachment-Oriented Work
Touch in Therapy
Re-Mothering
From Isolation to Secure Attachment
Therapist as Teaching Mommy
9. Connecting with Good Mother Energy
Opening to the Good Mother
The Good Mother Archetype
Working With Imagery and Symbols
Help
from the Divine Mother
Taking On the "Good" of the Good Mother
A Second Chance at Finding a Good Mother
Meeting Mothering Needs With Partners
Your Portable Good Mother
10. Inner Child Work
An Introduction to Inner Child Work
The Child as Mother to the Self
“Parts Work”
Becoming Your Own Best Mother
Creating A Safe Place for the Child
Time Together
Working With Good Mother Messages
Healing the Unloved Child
Changing Your Mind
11. More Healing Steps & Practical Strategies
Identifying Specific Holes
Taking A Proactive Approach
The Hole of Support
Getting Support Now
A Sense of Confidence
Navigating the World of Emotions
A Place in the Web
Showing Up and Being Seen
Embracing Your Needs
Practicing Good Self-Care
Cultivating A Capacity for Intimacy
Protecting What Is Precious
Finding Your Power
Stepping Out of Deprivation Consciousness
General Tonics
12. Changing The Story
Your Mother’s Story
Your Story
The Dance Between You
How Do I Not Pass This On To My Children?
What About Mother?
Holding Your Process/Holding Your Self
Does Healing Ever End?
