Knowing When Enough is Enough
One of the discriminations adults have to make is to know when enough is enough. This is partly an issue of knowing your limits and respecting them and partly a question of being able to let go.
I had a friend call me recently overwhelmed by her experience. Actually she didn’t know how overwhelmed she was when she called. As we talked, she got more in touch with her feelings and began to sob. She was saying things like “Its too much. I can’t take anymore.” She had been severely stressed physically, emotionally, and mentally for several years. At the moment, she was beyond her capacity to cope. She wasn’t suicidal; she was just doing what every two-year-old does when beyond their capacity to cope: She was having a meltdown.
I watched as she continued to follow certain thoughts and feelings that were clearly overwhelming. I thought of how young children are when they get carried away in a tantrum or are crying out of control. Children in this condition cannot regulate themselves. We’ve all felt this at some time, and it’s frightening. It wasn’t fun at two, and it’s not fun at fifty-two.
The challenge is to see how the situation is out of control and to step away from it. Sometimes this is nearly impossible. This can be due to any number of factors such as chemical sensitivity, past trauma that is re-stimulated, or various neurological disorders. I’ve known of obsessive-compulsives being so caught in a pattern that they put their lives at risk.
It’s tricky business. Life is a bit like walking along a cliff. You have to pay attention to the edge. You need to know the limits of what you can handle. You need to know that your well-being is more important than any goal you’re hanging onto. What good is it to reach the finish line only to drop dead?
Obviously this takes discernment and clarity, as well as will. It also takes compassion. We need to stop pushing ourselves to do more than we can do and stop beating up on ourselves every time we fall short. Compassion is letting yourself off the hook. It’s saying, “It’s okay. It may not be perfect, but it is enough.” One of the biggest enemies of compassion is perfectionism because it never lets you say, “good enough.” It pushes you to continue long after your enjoyment is gone and the job is done. It is similar to the obsessive-compulsive energy in a way. You can’t let go.
We have to be able to let go. We have to let go of what’s imperfect, what’s unfinished, what’s not to our liking, what’s not working out. Holding onto a sinking ship is no answer. Sometimes the sinking ship is a work project or business venture, sometimes a relationship, and sometimes a set of feelings. My friend was holding on to regret and guilt, anger and frustration, even though these were pushing her dangerously close to her edge.
Maturity is knowing when enough is enough. We need to recognize when pushing a person any further will create a backlash and when pushing ourselves further will cost too much. We need to distinguish when enough is enough in a confrontation, when it’s time to turn off the light and say goodnight. We need to know when enough is enough in our clothes closet or toy chest and when enough is enough in our bellies.
These are some of the discriminations we need to make if we are to lead healthy lives. Don’t wait until you’ve pushed yourself over the edge. Ask now, “Where am I not seeing that enough is enough?”
